I run because...

I didn't start running because it was an extension of who I already was. Yep, I used to be better at running at school, because I have an ingrained fear of balls being thrown at my head, but I was fat when I started running. I was unmotivated. I was down in the dumps. I had low self-esteem. I was overweight and it was hard. It wasn't the most fun. I 'couldn't run for a bus', as they all say. I couldn't see ahead and picture myself running races, let alone marathons and ultras.

It hurt me when I first started running marathons (emotionally) and for a few years later, when marathon blokes would make comments about my weight. I'd come a long, long way, but I still wasn't what you'd call 'athlete thin'. I didn't necessarily look like a runner. I wasn't skinny, And yet, I was running long distances. It didn't make sense to some. So, I got little comments, mainly from male runners. They didn't mean to hurt or offend. I know that. But it did hurt and offend. I'm not an 'offended person', by the way. But I've come a long way and that's what some people don't see. I lost a lot of weight before I ever started running and before they ever knew me. I will always have a saggy stomach, unless I get surgery. I will always have flappy underarms. I always will have some loose skin. I'll never be one of those super-toned types. You all look amazing though, you super-toned types :)

My record got broken this week, which I'm all good about. Records are made to be broken and I truly believe that. Otherwise, what is the point in them? I was only ever in the right pace at the right time, at the right age. I didn't know all too much about marathon running or the running circuit before I became involved in it. I just saw all those '10 marathons in 10 days' runners and got inspired by some amazing 100 Marathon Club members and vowed to be like them. I did.  I just ran a lot of races. But, what will never be broken is the fact that I have run lots of ultras and marathons and challenged myself. That will always exist and I'm really proud of it. I want to challenge myself more. I know so many amazing runners who I aspire to be like. You know who you are. I have met many of you who have done some fantastic things.

I went to an 'interview technique' session the other week and I realised how bad I am at selling myself. I could have been in Runners World etc. haha, but I never have been. I love running for the sake of running, for the way it makes me feel, for the sense of self it gives me. Most of all, I like the feeling you get from knowing you have travelled so far on your own two feet. How awesome is that? You should probably have used a car, but you got there with your own two feet. I also like running at night, in ultras, when the world is asleep and you're still moving forwards.

Just some thoughts I decided to write down on this Good Friday. Have a lovely, long weekend everyone.

Strong mind, bad at calculations...

(Well, I’m bad at calculations under pressure, as I find it really hard to concentrate on numbers, especially under test conditions).

So, what I was willing not to happen has happened. I have always been well aware that maths is my weakest point. Since I’m aware of this, I have revised and revised and revised for my Numeracy Skills Test. I’ve read up on terminology, learnt fractions and decimals and percentages. I have tested myself and completed numerous practice questions. I do bits every day, around running and around work and I babble on to my boyfriend and to family and to almost anyone (absolutely anyone) who will listen about numbers and multiplications and blah blah blah. But, it wasn’t good enough.

As soon as I got there today, my face felt warm and I felt a little panicked. The woman reviewing my ID was also rather abrupt. I handed over my passport and then she asked for my secondary ID. Trying to make light of my nervousness, I told her that I had brought various forms of ID and letters etc. (I literally brought a file full of letters, qualifications and identification with me). ‘I need one of the ones off the list’, she said sternly and unhelpfully. I handed over my driving license. I then had to squish my bag in a locker. ‘Aren’t you going to take the key?’ she gestured towards, sarcastically. I hadn’t forgotten the key; I was simply hanging up my coat too. Unbeknownst to me, I also had to take my passport into the test room with me, to show another person. I didn’t know this, as I’d never taken a test there before. It wasn’t a big deal, but she was even sarcastic when I asked whether I needed to keep it on me. This doesn't help someone who is very nervous about taking a very important test.

Anyway, the fact is, I panic with numbers. However, I know through revising that I have come a long way. I am not awful at maths. I can work things out just fine. However, it is nerve-wracking when you only have 20 seconds to work something out and when so much depends on passing this test. I know I struggled with the mental arithmetic and the ‘wordier’ questions. I got lost in the context of the question and I started to run out of time. I failed by 3 marks. I will pick myself back up and re-book it. I definitely need to calm my nerves for next time. I only have two more attempts and then it’s time to reassess my career path.

It’s funny because, as a person I know my own mind and I am very strong-minded. It is mind over matter which gets me through all my races. I know I am determined and, in this way, my mind is successful. If I could just apply even half this conviction to a job that I could make a living out of, then I would be content.

To end on a positive note, I was pleased with my marathon time of 3:59:15 at Wrexham Marathon on Sunday. There weren't many ladies in the race, but I did come 10th lady and 3rd in my category, yey :) - getting a bit faster.The weather was pretty bad and the route itself was literally a tour of Wrexham Industrial Estate. Every cloud...