Saturday, 31 December 2016
The year I became...
...a fully fledged Primary School Teacher.
Tougher than any ultra, I have worked so hard to train and learn to become the best teacher I can be. I'm still learning. But, like most hard work, it was all worth it.
This year....
... I made it through several thunderstorms, whilst simultaneously being lost during the Liverpool to Leeds Race.
Did I feel nervous for this race? Yep, more than normal since I had bombed GUCR so bad, and dnf'd which I'd never done before and I can describe (just about) just how horrible that feels to do. I'd been lucky to escape that before last year. So, my luck changed during this year's GUCR...(not going to keep me down next year though!) I didn't want to get a taste of how it would feel to DNF at Liverpool to Leeds as well. However, I was a little unprepared and I also hadn't factored in the altered CP timings that reflected the amended lesser race time limit.
Surprisingly, all ran smoothly for a while. I got a good pace going and I chatted to some familiar faces. The weather wasn't too bad - was fairly sunny from what I can remember. But it changed.
The first sign that I got of an imminent thunderstorm was around the 70 mile mark. The thing is, at this point, we thought we had loads of time to play with. Wrong. Our pace became so slow due to the rutted, uneven ground which had now become muddy with rainwater.
There was sideways rain and wind. And I was getting a little bit scared of the lighting moving closer. I love thunderstorms, when I'm indoors. However, rather than dampening my spirits, I felt absolutely determined that I would make that next checkpoint. How dare it rain AND thunder? I legged it. And just made the next checkpoint with a bit of time in the bank. Although, I was sad to say goodbye to my running buddy thus far, who had been such fantastic company, but had decided enough was enough. Yet, I saw a familiar face from GUCR who had dnf'd at the same checkpoint back in May. Spoiler: we ran nearly the entire race together this time and both finished. Yey.
I didn't know at the time, but that was merely a warm up 'baby' thunderstorm. Just after the 100 mile point, we got horrendously lost. And I was annoyed at myself because I've done this race before, and I remember this tricky bit, but in the torrential rain that ensued, I couldn't remember the way.
We added on miles. And over an hour of time. And nearly our will to carry on. And my new iPod got completely water damaged and died. There were moments, though, when I envisioned a news story detailing how some runners had been struck by lightning whilst lost during an ill-fated ultra marathon. I have never seen rain so bad, let alone been so absolutely soaked to the skin in it and so close to lighting. Scary stuff. And yet it was all worth it.
To cut a long story shorter, my feet held up amazingly in injinji socks...until I changed them to some dry 'normal' running socks, and my shrivelled feet ended up covered in huge, deep blisters. I don't know...I've battered my feet more times than I can remember and I'm still learning. Don't change socks unless you have to - I had to deal with the worst peely feet for months afterwards.
Did I feel nervous for this race? Yep, more than normal since I had bombed GUCR so bad, and dnf'd which I'd never done before and I can describe (just about) just how horrible that feels to do. I'd been lucky to escape that before last year. So, my luck changed during this year's GUCR...(not going to keep me down next year though!) I didn't want to get a taste of how it would feel to DNF at Liverpool to Leeds as well. However, I was a little unprepared and I also hadn't factored in the altered CP timings that reflected the amended lesser race time limit.
Surprisingly, all ran smoothly for a while. I got a good pace going and I chatted to some familiar faces. The weather wasn't too bad - was fairly sunny from what I can remember. But it changed.
The first sign that I got of an imminent thunderstorm was around the 70 mile mark. The thing is, at this point, we thought we had loads of time to play with. Wrong. Our pace became so slow due to the rutted, uneven ground which had now become muddy with rainwater.
There was sideways rain and wind. And I was getting a little bit scared of the lighting moving closer. I love thunderstorms, when I'm indoors. However, rather than dampening my spirits, I felt absolutely determined that I would make that next checkpoint. How dare it rain AND thunder? I legged it. And just made the next checkpoint with a bit of time in the bank. Although, I was sad to say goodbye to my running buddy thus far, who had been such fantastic company, but had decided enough was enough. Yet, I saw a familiar face from GUCR who had dnf'd at the same checkpoint back in May. Spoiler: we ran nearly the entire race together this time and both finished. Yey.
I didn't know at the time, but that was merely a warm up 'baby' thunderstorm. Just after the 100 mile point, we got horrendously lost. And I was annoyed at myself because I've done this race before, and I remember this tricky bit, but in the torrential rain that ensued, I couldn't remember the way.
We added on miles. And over an hour of time. And nearly our will to carry on. And my new iPod got completely water damaged and died. There were moments, though, when I envisioned a news story detailing how some runners had been struck by lightning whilst lost during an ill-fated ultra marathon. I have never seen rain so bad, let alone been so absolutely soaked to the skin in it and so close to lighting. Scary stuff. And yet it was all worth it.
To cut a long story shorter, my feet held up amazingly in injinji socks...until I changed them to some dry 'normal' running socks, and my shrivelled feet ended up covered in huge, deep blisters. I don't know...I've battered my feet more times than I can remember and I'm still learning. Don't change socks unless you have to - I had to deal with the worst peely feet for months afterwards.
Monday, 10 October 2016
I'm (not) a morning runner
Four months since I last wrote on here and a lot has happened. I now have a job as a primary school teacher and that is pretty amazing. And, since I have to get up early for work, I've started to make a real effort to go running early in the morning.
I have never been a morning runner. However, I have always admired those early morning runner types. What a great routine to get into, thought... I find it far too hard to get up early sometimes. However, it finally started to make lots of sense, after years of thinking it'd be a good idea to run before work, I now try and get in a morning run as often as I can.
I had been getting up at 6ish, but I switched this to 5ish am. So, now I can get up, grab a quick coffee to wake myself up a little and be out the door by 5.30ish. The great thing is that I'm still pretty much too tired to complain that much about dragging myself our of the door or overthink it. And the hardest part is always dragging yourself out of that door! When I get back I feel so much wider awake and I can get on with my day then. It lets me be lazy later on. I don't have to do as much in the evenings as I would otherwise have to. So far, it's working really well. I'm actually out there training again!
Once a week, I also try to get a slightly longer run home from work in, with another teacher. In fact, tonight is run home from school night. I never feel too enthused about this at the end of a busy school day, but it's worth it once you're out there....
I have never been a morning runner. However, I have always admired those early morning runner types. What a great routine to get into, thought... I find it far too hard to get up early sometimes. However, it finally started to make lots of sense, after years of thinking it'd be a good idea to run before work, I now try and get in a morning run as often as I can.
I had been getting up at 6ish, but I switched this to 5ish am. So, now I can get up, grab a quick coffee to wake myself up a little and be out the door by 5.30ish. The great thing is that I'm still pretty much too tired to complain that much about dragging myself our of the door or overthink it. And the hardest part is always dragging yourself out of that door! When I get back I feel so much wider awake and I can get on with my day then. It lets me be lazy later on. I don't have to do as much in the evenings as I would otherwise have to. So far, it's working really well. I'm actually out there training again!
Once a week, I also try to get a slightly longer run home from work in, with another teacher. In fact, tonight is run home from school night. I never feel too enthused about this at the end of a busy school day, but it's worth it once you're out there....
Friday, 3 June 2016
Overthinking it and sulking...
First run back since epic GUCR fail. I know, I know, 'fail' isn't a positive word to use, but it's what happened. I'm still over-analysing it of course. Any one who were to read this blog, who isn't a runner would have no idea why it even matters so much to me, but it does.
(Side-rant): I'm not a wealthy runner, I'm a nearly (but alas, still training) qualified primary school teacher, so money is tight and entering races is somewhat of a luxury these days. Ultras are expensive too, especially when you take into account the petrol to drive, possible accommodation costs, kit, food etc. I literally can't afford to fail... But, money isn't everything and I logically know this.
I'm going off-point and ultimately the money angle only matters in relation to how often I can race. And I would love to do it more than I do. I'm just venting. About everything. I put all of my eggs in one ultra-basket. Almost. I've got to remember I have a chance of redemption at Liverpool to Leeds Canal Race in August and I'm more than up for taking the opportunity to do so....although, I wasn't so positive about this when I called it quits on Saturday!
What matters more is that I'm still feeling a bit emotionally bruised. I wasn't able to see beyond the moment like I normally am. I wasn't able to transcend the pain or pull myself together. I wasn't able to use all the advice that I'm normally so eager to give out. I rely on that mental stamina normally. It's my rock that can often pull me through. It all feels a bit crappy and embarrassing. And I don't like not finishing things. I like to set out to do something and do it.
However, I know it's not all doom and gloom. Having trawled the internet for motivation and post-race affirmations, I have come across many words of wisdom...
(Side-rant): I'm not a wealthy runner, I'm a nearly (but alas, still training) qualified primary school teacher, so money is tight and entering races is somewhat of a luxury these days. Ultras are expensive too, especially when you take into account the petrol to drive, possible accommodation costs, kit, food etc. I literally can't afford to fail... But, money isn't everything and I logically know this.
I'm going off-point and ultimately the money angle only matters in relation to how often I can race. And I would love to do it more than I do. I'm just venting. About everything. I put all of my eggs in one ultra-basket. Almost. I've got to remember I have a chance of redemption at Liverpool to Leeds Canal Race in August and I'm more than up for taking the opportunity to do so....although, I wasn't so positive about this when I called it quits on Saturday!
What matters more is that I'm still feeling a bit emotionally bruised. I wasn't able to see beyond the moment like I normally am. I wasn't able to transcend the pain or pull myself together. I wasn't able to use all the advice that I'm normally so eager to give out. I rely on that mental stamina normally. It's my rock that can often pull me through. It all feels a bit crappy and embarrassing. And I don't like not finishing things. I like to set out to do something and do it.
However, I know it's not all doom and gloom. Having trawled the internet for motivation and post-race affirmations, I have come across many words of wisdom...
You try, you fail, you try, you fail - the real failure
is when you stop trying.
If you don't fail, you don't learn.
If you don't learn, you'll never change.
_____________________________________________
Okay, you got me...I LOVE Pinterest!! And, I have no race photos ;-)
Tuesday, 31 May 2016
Daring to fail - tale of a GUCR dnf
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts" - Winston Churchill
DNF and GUCR are words that I have been lucky enough to never have to use in the same sentence. Until now. And that's exactly what I did. I DNF'd. And it feels rubbish. For so long, I was so proud to say that I had finished GUCR 4 times in a row and never dropped out. Not bad for someone who doesn't look like a 'real runner'. I never really contemplate not finishing. I always think of that as one of my strengths, to keep going, no matter what. So, it was strange and actually heartbreaking to dial that Race HQ number and confirm that I wouldn't be carrying on.
From Mile 36 to Mile 53 is a tricky section. Despite having done this race from 2012- 2015, I had forgotten how tough I find this section. It's very rural, a lot of it looks the same and the ground is quite uneven. The ground is fairly hard to consistently run on during this bit. The scenery is pretty though... During this never-ending section, I felt both mentally and physically rough and I couldn't see the let-up. I became one of those 'negative Nancies' (a miserable, negative runner who you don't want to meet on an ultra) - one of those people who is so relentlessly miserable that you run faster just to avoid them.
As I finally neared the 'unreachable checkpoint', I burst into tears and had a word with myself. I just felt limp and my mental strength had wilted in the warmth of the day. I felt sure I must be right at the back, and I wasn't far off. But, as I got nearer and nearer to the CP, some other runners emerged from behind me. By that point, I had this strange feeling that I wasn't part of the race that I loved any more. I didn't feel a part of it. I had given up.
I know we do these races and prepare ourselves for pain, both emotional and physical, but I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I normally think things like, 'pain is part of it, deal with it', 'pain comes and goes, get on with it' and 'expect pain', blah blah blah. I was so close to the cut-offs and if I'd have carried on and made it to the 70 mile CP after the cutoffs, then I would have been stranded in the middle of the night. I know that's my fault, because I was unsupported, but it's just something I've never fully had to contend with before. I've always had stubbornness on my side, but it had all but gone this time.
Ultimately, the best I might have hoped for on zero energy was to spend another 30+ hours down a canal. Imagining another 30+ down the canal wasn't hard to imagine, as it's something I had to contend with last year, when my feet well and truly ended up battered. However, at least last year I was further ahead of cutoff's at this point in the race. Psychologically, this really messed me up this time round.
Depressingly, my feet were great this year. I taped my big toe, arch and the ball of my foot with Rocktape the night before and it worked amazingly. I experienced no rubbing and no blisters. It was
my body that wouldn't play ball this year.
I can't really explain. Ever since Saturday I have tried to dig deep and really think about whether there was any way I could have carried on. I hate giving up and I hate making excuses. Yet, as much as I try to explain, I can't. My body simply had no energy. I felt like a rag doll. All of my energy had been zapped from me. I wanted more than anything to move forwards and yet, I felt like I was on a treadmill. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't run for long periods of time and the miles dragged on. I felt clumsy and a bit disorientated. On more than one occasion, I dropped something on the floor. I nearly dropped my map in the canal, but it landed right by the edge. However, I wasn't so lucky with my MP3 player - I looked down after CP2 to discover that it was no longer attached to my earphones and that I'd lost it. It was a bit demotivating and frustrating. Actually, it was more than a bit frustrating - music is such a useful tool to have when you're on your own down a canal, with lots of thoughts bouncing around your head.
It was a humid day on Saturday and I definitely think this contributed to the energy-zap I felt. However, I don't want to make excuses. It just wasn't my day. If I were to put it down to fate, I may point out that my boyfriend's car broke down the night before and we nearly never made it to the start. He went through all the trouble of renting an emergency car, last minute, to help me get there! I could also point out how I couldn't find my running rucksack or OMM up until the day before the race, despite looking for over a week [I can't afford to replace everything, so I kept looking and eventually found them]. And on the morning of GUCR, there was a shortage of technical t-shirts in Size Medium, and so I wasn't able to get the shirt I had ordered - a good thing, it now appears.
I can't deny it, a big part of me did have a little bit of anxiety over possibly failing at this race. It means so much to me and as much as I know I have nothing to prove in some ways, I can't shake the feeling of still wanting to prove something to myself. That's part of why we do these races and put ourselves through the challenge, right? Aren't we all trying to prove something to ourselves; to prove that we can be better, go further, realise our dreams? But maybe, just maybe I needed to fail in order to face up to that fear of failure and realise it is possible for me to come back stronger next time.
DNF and GUCR are words that I have been lucky enough to never have to use in the same sentence. Until now. And that's exactly what I did. I DNF'd. And it feels rubbish. For so long, I was so proud to say that I had finished GUCR 4 times in a row and never dropped out. Not bad for someone who doesn't look like a 'real runner'. I never really contemplate not finishing. I always think of that as one of my strengths, to keep going, no matter what. So, it was strange and actually heartbreaking to dial that Race HQ number and confirm that I wouldn't be carrying on.
From Mile 36 to Mile 53 is a tricky section. Despite having done this race from 2012- 2015, I had forgotten how tough I find this section. It's very rural, a lot of it looks the same and the ground is quite uneven. The ground is fairly hard to consistently run on during this bit. The scenery is pretty though... During this never-ending section, I felt both mentally and physically rough and I couldn't see the let-up. I became one of those 'negative Nancies' (a miserable, negative runner who you don't want to meet on an ultra) - one of those people who is so relentlessly miserable that you run faster just to avoid them.
As I finally neared the 'unreachable checkpoint', I burst into tears and had a word with myself. I just felt limp and my mental strength had wilted in the warmth of the day. I felt sure I must be right at the back, and I wasn't far off. But, as I got nearer and nearer to the CP, some other runners emerged from behind me. By that point, I had this strange feeling that I wasn't part of the race that I loved any more. I didn't feel a part of it. I had given up.
I know we do these races and prepare ourselves for pain, both emotional and physical, but I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I normally think things like, 'pain is part of it, deal with it', 'pain comes and goes, get on with it' and 'expect pain', blah blah blah. I was so close to the cut-offs and if I'd have carried on and made it to the 70 mile CP after the cutoffs, then I would have been stranded in the middle of the night. I know that's my fault, because I was unsupported, but it's just something I've never fully had to contend with before. I've always had stubbornness on my side, but it had all but gone this time.
Ultimately, the best I might have hoped for on zero energy was to spend another 30+ hours down a canal. Imagining another 30+ down the canal wasn't hard to imagine, as it's something I had to contend with last year, when my feet well and truly ended up battered. However, at least last year I was further ahead of cutoff's at this point in the race. Psychologically, this really messed me up this time round.
Depressingly, my feet were great this year. I taped my big toe, arch and the ball of my foot with Rocktape the night before and it worked amazingly. I experienced no rubbing and no blisters. It was
my body that wouldn't play ball this year.
I can't really explain. Ever since Saturday I have tried to dig deep and really think about whether there was any way I could have carried on. I hate giving up and I hate making excuses. Yet, as much as I try to explain, I can't. My body simply had no energy. I felt like a rag doll. All of my energy had been zapped from me. I wanted more than anything to move forwards and yet, I felt like I was on a treadmill. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't run for long periods of time and the miles dragged on. I felt clumsy and a bit disorientated. On more than one occasion, I dropped something on the floor. I nearly dropped my map in the canal, but it landed right by the edge. However, I wasn't so lucky with my MP3 player - I looked down after CP2 to discover that it was no longer attached to my earphones and that I'd lost it. It was a bit demotivating and frustrating. Actually, it was more than a bit frustrating - music is such a useful tool to have when you're on your own down a canal, with lots of thoughts bouncing around your head.
It was a humid day on Saturday and I definitely think this contributed to the energy-zap I felt. However, I don't want to make excuses. It just wasn't my day. If I were to put it down to fate, I may point out that my boyfriend's car broke down the night before and we nearly never made it to the start. He went through all the trouble of renting an emergency car, last minute, to help me get there! I could also point out how I couldn't find my running rucksack or OMM up until the day before the race, despite looking for over a week [I can't afford to replace everything, so I kept looking and eventually found them]. And on the morning of GUCR, there was a shortage of technical t-shirts in Size Medium, and so I wasn't able to get the shirt I had ordered - a good thing, it now appears.
I can't deny it, a big part of me did have a little bit of anxiety over possibly failing at this race. It means so much to me and as much as I know I have nothing to prove in some ways, I can't shake the feeling of still wanting to prove something to myself. That's part of why we do these races and put ourselves through the challenge, right? Aren't we all trying to prove something to ourselves; to prove that we can be better, go further, realise our dreams? But maybe, just maybe I needed to fail in order to face up to that fear of failure and realise it is possible for me to come back stronger next time.
Friday, 25 March 2016
I run because...
I didn't start running because it was an extension of who I already was. Yep, I used to be better at running at school, because I have an ingrained fear of balls being thrown at my head, but I was fat when I started running. I was unmotivated. I was down in the dumps. I had low self-esteem. I was overweight and it was hard. It wasn't the most fun. I 'couldn't run for a bus', as they all say. I couldn't see ahead and picture myself running races, let alone marathons and ultras.
It hurt me when I first started running marathons (emotionally) and for a few years later, when marathon blokes would make comments about my weight. I'd come a long, long way, but I still wasn't what you'd call 'athlete thin'. I didn't necessarily look like a runner. I wasn't skinny, And yet, I was running long distances. It didn't make sense to some. So, I got little comments, mainly from male runners. They didn't mean to hurt or offend. I know that. But it did hurt and offend. I'm not an 'offended person', by the way. But I've come a long way and that's what some people don't see. I lost a lot of weight before I ever started running and before they ever knew me. I will always have a saggy stomach, unless I get surgery. I will always have flappy underarms. I always will have some loose skin. I'll never be one of those super-toned types. You all look amazing though, you super-toned types :)
My record got broken this week, which I'm all good about. Records are made to be broken and I truly believe that. Otherwise, what is the point in them? I was only ever in the right pace at the right time, at the right age. I didn't know all too much about marathon running or the running circuit before I became involved in it. I just saw all those '10 marathons in 10 days' runners and got inspired by some amazing 100 Marathon Club members and vowed to be like them. I did. I just ran a lot of races. But, what will never be broken is the fact that I have run lots of ultras and marathons and challenged myself. That will always exist and I'm really proud of it. I want to challenge myself more. I know so many amazing runners who I aspire to be like. You know who you are. I have met many of you who have done some fantastic things.
I went to an 'interview technique' session the other week and I realised how bad I am at selling myself. I could have been in Runners World etc. haha, but I never have been. I love running for the sake of running, for the way it makes me feel, for the sense of self it gives me. Most of all, I like the feeling you get from knowing you have travelled so far on your own two feet. How awesome is that? You should probably have used a car, but you got there with your own two feet. I also like running at night, in ultras, when the world is asleep and you're still moving forwards.
Just some thoughts I decided to write down on this Good Friday. Have a lovely, long weekend everyone.
It hurt me when I first started running marathons (emotionally) and for a few years later, when marathon blokes would make comments about my weight. I'd come a long, long way, but I still wasn't what you'd call 'athlete thin'. I didn't necessarily look like a runner. I wasn't skinny, And yet, I was running long distances. It didn't make sense to some. So, I got little comments, mainly from male runners. They didn't mean to hurt or offend. I know that. But it did hurt and offend. I'm not an 'offended person', by the way. But I've come a long way and that's what some people don't see. I lost a lot of weight before I ever started running and before they ever knew me. I will always have a saggy stomach, unless I get surgery. I will always have flappy underarms. I always will have some loose skin. I'll never be one of those super-toned types. You all look amazing though, you super-toned types :)
My record got broken this week, which I'm all good about. Records are made to be broken and I truly believe that. Otherwise, what is the point in them? I was only ever in the right pace at the right time, at the right age. I didn't know all too much about marathon running or the running circuit before I became involved in it. I just saw all those '10 marathons in 10 days' runners and got inspired by some amazing 100 Marathon Club members and vowed to be like them. I did. I just ran a lot of races. But, what will never be broken is the fact that I have run lots of ultras and marathons and challenged myself. That will always exist and I'm really proud of it. I want to challenge myself more. I know so many amazing runners who I aspire to be like. You know who you are. I have met many of you who have done some fantastic things.
I went to an 'interview technique' session the other week and I realised how bad I am at selling myself. I could have been in Runners World etc. haha, but I never have been. I love running for the sake of running, for the way it makes me feel, for the sense of self it gives me. Most of all, I like the feeling you get from knowing you have travelled so far on your own two feet. How awesome is that? You should probably have used a car, but you got there with your own two feet. I also like running at night, in ultras, when the world is asleep and you're still moving forwards.
Just some thoughts I decided to write down on this Good Friday. Have a lovely, long weekend everyone.
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