Avoiding the likelihood of further DNFs, my ultra marathon journey of 2017 is definitely over, if it ever truly started. I had intended to do the 'canalslam', having done the canal double in 2014 and 2015 (GUCR and LLCR) and always being extremely slow, but successful at canal ultras. But then in 2016, my 4 consecutive GUCR 'successes' came to an end and I dropped out, feeling as if I was running on a treadmill, with heavy legs, in the hot sun. My confidence took a knock, but I knew I'd be back this year.
But, this year, the DNF streak continued instead and I pulled out at a similar point. My mind wasn't in the game at all and I seemed to have lost my ultra mojo. Maybe I had dropped it into the canal?
I did a couple of marathons after that and I convinced myself that my head would be in the game for KACR. It sort of was, but not enough. I can say with all certainty that I didn't try my hardest. When I knew that I was going slower than I should be, my negative voice told me I'd only just make the next CP cut off and did I want to feel the pressure of only just making that CP - it'd have a knock on effect to the next bit of the race and only just making a cut off isn't good enough, especially only 45 miles into a race; better to slow down and DNF now, get it over with. At least it was expected. And even though I've never DNFd at LLCR, I avoided it this year through fear of making it a 'DNFslam'.
But I realised then that I seem to have lost my ultra stubbornness somewhere. I seem to have misplaced my 'I will get to that finish line at any cost' mindset. I need to get it back. And there are moments I know it's still there... like when I'm running home from work with my rucksack and I feel like I'm on an adventure and moments from ultras come back into my mind and I wish I was on those adventures now. I miss that feeling. It's good to know it's still in there somewhere.
